This past week has been a whirlwind of a million emotions! There were happy moments & very sad moments, but it got me to contemplating my life moving forward & what I was going to do to make the most of it. It really hit home knowing life is incredibly short & there is never a guarantee! A feeling of positive angst came over me. I say positive, well, because it was positive, but there is angst. Yes, the “feeling of anxiety about your life or situation”. Again, it is positive anxiety! I never thought this blogging journey would have such a profound impact & bring me to where I am today. This is the problem! When I decided to start blogging, I never sat in silence to deeply think about the real personal reasons for blogging.
- Why am I blogging?
- Why is it important to me?
- What do I want to accomplish?
- What are my goals for blogging?
- What is my purpose for blogging?
I did have A Reason that I could easily rattle off my tongue when people asked, but it wasn’t the real, deep-seeded reason. I sounded like a politician’s wife with perfectly memorized lines for her public. “I just needed something creative for myself as I felt I was only living my life through my husband & his company. I had lost my identity, had no idea who I was or what I even wanted out of life.” …… Kinda shallow, it was true, but not the real reason. Yes, I was afraid my goals, needs & wants would create a large gap within my marriage. Focusing on myself felt unfair & there was guilt that this would pull me away from fully supporting/helping my husband, his needs & his company. The undertaking of really trying to answer these questions about blogging was scary. It wasn’t the actual task of doing the hard, soul-searching work that terrified me; it was the results that terrified me.
So here it goes. This is tough to share, but also know this will only help me grow as a woman, wife, friend & blogger.
Like many others out there, I never truly felt acceptable or had a full sense of belonging in life. With this lack of self-esteem that I carried through childhood, teens & into early 20s, not sure what I was thinking when I thought modeling would be a good idea. Already feeling a lack of self-confidence, taking a stab at modeling was The Worst Idea, as it did nothing to help my positive self-image. In fact, it did the polar opposite!!! It made me feel even more inadequate, less than acceptable. It was a barrage of, “you’re too ethnic, not ethnic enough, not tall enough, to heavy, hair too curly, too athletic, too dark, not dark enough…..”. I was a failed model in my eyes because I had a vision of what success looked like in my mind & heart, but never achieved that goal.
A very personal story: There was one specific casting that stung so emotionally; it drove me to quit modeling. The casting was for runway. The clothes fit like a glove, the casting directors loved my walk, my look. It was one of those rare times that I left feeling that I was a shoe-in for the job! My agent later called to say I didn’t get the job; I was flabbergasted!!! Typically, I never asked why, but this time I was truly stumped. I explained how well the casting went & he was well aware of that. Soooo, why didn’t I get the job? My agent cautiously explained the job & all that it entailed, in hopes I wouldn’t take it personally …… well I did, big time! The reasons were so archaic, stuck in the 60s racist & bewildering. That memory still haunts me.
How did moments like that along with others growing up get me to here? Get me to the idea that I wanted to blog?
I guess I got to the point in my life, where I said enough is enough! Finally, no one could say “No” to me! No one could say I wasn’t good enough. I’m relevant, I matter, my voice matters! It’s ok to be me & I don’t have to apologize for it. It took until 45 years to 100% truly realize that. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been super positive, bubbly, glass-half-full, energizer-bunny type, but I also carry deep sadness of craving more acceptance, not only for myself, but also for the world. I don’t want anyone to ever feel the way I felt growing up. Since I can’t turn back time & fix the feelings from the past, I will do something NOW that will create the feelings I want for the future!
It’s far from over, there is so much more to do, share, experience & that includes our fashion & style. Through my photos, words, posts & blog, I want the world to know that the way we dress in our 40s, 50s & onwards should be acceptable. No one has the right or should tell us we can’t wear this or that because of our age, body shape or skin color. I want to be a part of the blogging world in hopes of shifting the rest of the world’s view concerning the mature woman when it comes to fashion, style & living life to the fullest. Also, encouraging the 40+ women with the same message. Don’t let anyone tell you NO! Don’t let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn’t be doing/wearing because of our age. Don’t let anyone put boundaries or limitations on you, your fashion or style because of your age!
Hmmmm, maybe, I just rewrote my bio page (insert pondering emoji) …..
Maybe, I didn’t answer all of my questions today, but it’s a darn good start! There’s so much more to share next time.
Yes! That was a huge step! The step to take me to the next level! What steps are you going to take?
Why do you blog? Why is blogging so important to you? No seriously, I would love to hear your thought process that brought you to this journey.
Shorts (seasons past): Banana Republic
Cuff: Wanderlust & Co.